Where in the World is Svetlana?

I had a query from one reader today as to when I would be posting another installment in the saga of Svetlana, the Ukrainian intern. It seems that Svetlana has become a favorite on my blog. Just last Friday I was at a party when I was approached by a friend who had been following the adventures of Svetlana and thought she would be a blast at parties.

My response to the reader who asked when I would post about her again was, "Well, she actually has to show up to work for me to have a story about her." You see, as I've mentioned in past posts, Svetlana is supposed to arrive for work at 10 a.m. However, she regularly shows up much later than that. In fact, she hasn't showed up today.

Just 2 days ago, Svetlana breezed into the office at 10:45 with the familiar huff and smell of cigarette smoke, dropped her purse in the chair with exasperation and exclaimed to me, "Why can't I seem to get here on time?" My response was "Perhaps there is a time warp between your house and here?" She looked at me puzzled, "huh?" "A time warp", I responded. She shrugged her shoulders, rolled her eyes, flipped her hair back and grabbed her cigarettes to head outside for a much needed smoke break. I couldn't tell for sure if she didnt' understand me, or if she didn't appreciate the fact that my theory at least removed the onus from her.

Minority Retort

I've posed this question before: How is it that, in the District of Columbia, you can be robbed in broad daylight with no police assistance, yet if parking illegally, a ticket will magically appear within seconds?

Yesterday afternoon, I was parked on Constitution Avenue while viewing the World War II memorial. The signs restricted parking after 4 o'clock, so I booked back to my car, only to find a tow-truck towing the car behind me, and a ticket on my windshield indicating that towing had been requested. Imagine my surprise when I also saw that the District was going to make 100$ off my indiscretion.

If you've ever seen the movie, Minority Report, you know the lengths to which the District went to prevent murders after many years of violence. I'm beginning to believe that, in reality, the City decided that this technology would be better served by increasing parking revenue.

Imagine a large room somewhere in the middle of downtown DC. Three lifeless bodies lay in a pool. A technician sits above, monitoring the pre-cogs, as they are called. Suddenly, a ball rolls out of a machine, a bell dings, and with a lurch and a gasp, one of the pre-cogs sits straight up and screeches, "Illegal!" The technician turns the ball over to reveal my license plate number. The scene changes quickly and suddenly helicopters are swooping down the mall and dropping figures clad in black. A flash of pen, a rustle of paper and they ascend back into the sky just as I round the corner, running down the street to find the freshly printed ticket on my windshield.

As unrealistic as this scenario may sound, I believe it is the only explanation for how a city government that can't stop violent crimes from happening on nearly every street corner can possibly know the location of any car at any given moment during the day.

Heat Emergency - Day 13

Many of you read my post last week about my lack of air conditioning, and the repair company's lack of interest. I thought an update was in order, but I also aim to change the mindset that caused this to happen.

The update: The repairman reported to us when he showed up that he was delayed because he had to go to Maryland to take a drug test because of the accident (an overshare, to be sure.)

When DB inquired for an update on Thursday he found that the repairman had actually been fired. This didn't bode well for a cooler atmosphere in our house. Indeed, today is Tuesday, and we were told this morning that the part 'should arrive Thursday.' After many calls and much threatening, DB received word that the order would be expedited. The part will arrive today and be installed tomorrow (this remains to be seen.) He also received an admission that the order was lost do to the drug issues and firing of the repairman.

This saga is poignant because it shows how the power has shifted from consumer to supplier in our society. It is frustrating to be left powerless and at the whim of companies who don't appreciate true customer service. My goal on this blog is to make these companies aware of their bad service. But I will also be calling attention to excellent service in order to encourage more of it.

The company that provided our air conditioner and left us in this uncomfortable situation at the height of the summer heat emergency is McCrae Heating and Air. They are based in Hagerstown MD. If you have an opportunity to use this company, avoid them. And let them know why you are choosing someone else.

A Day at the Park

Jesus Was a Rolling Stone

Of course we all know that it is a well established fact that Jesus was a white man with blonde hair and blue eyes. This fact makes sense since Jesus was, in fact, from the Middle East. What you may not have known is that Jesus was also apparently a babe magnet, as seen in this undated picture.

This and many other Jesus pictures, including his likeness on everything from a tortilla to chapati are available at Jesus of the Week. Be sure to check out the Jesus Recliner and the Buff Jesus.

It's 9:45, Do You Know Where You're Drink Is?

Washington is a city of contradictions. It is the seat of democracy, yet its citizens don't have a voice. It's the center of power, yet so many are living in poverty. It's the city where you can be mugged repeatedly on the street, and a former crack whore can be mayor, yet a 12 year old is arrested for eating a french fry on the metro.

There are many things about the Capital that make little sense. Case in point: In 2001, the District passed an ordinance that prohibited retail sales of alcoholic beverages after 10:00 pm. This happened shortly after I had moved to the city, and I've never understood the logic.

I'm told that the point of the ordinance is to prevent vagrants from drinking on the street. Is this true? I don't see how this can possibly work. It seems to me that the homeless would have all day long to make their purchase since they have no other pressing schedule issues. The only people that are denied the benefit of buying a bottle of wine or beer are citizens like me who have little time after work to make it to the store. And I for one have no intentions of popping open my viognier and guzzling it on Euclid St.

The other contradiction in this thinking is the uneven nature of these morality laws. After 10:00 at night, I can no longer walk into my local wine shop and make a purchase. However, I can easily pop $1.35 into metro and in minutes I am in Southeast Washington looking at full frontal nudity within inches of my face. In the right establishment, you can even have your cocktail teabagged for an extra dollar.

If I was still living in a state like, say, North Carolina, I could understand this backward thinking. However, in this great city, where freedom supposedly rings from every rafter, I believe I should be able to have a glass of wine, or even a sip of Colt 45 at midnight without crossing the river into The Dominion.

What are your views on this? Add your comments below.

A New Supreme?

President Bush announced last night that he was nominating John Roberts from the U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia to replace Justice Sandra Day O'Connor on the Supreme Court.

Both liberals and conservatives are gearing up for what may be a fight over his nomination, but what struck me most about this pick was his uncanny resemblance to a certain Prince of South Fork, or should I call him Master?

Briefs...:::

FLIP-FLOP FLAP-In another example of the increasing laziness of Americans, Fox Sports reports on members of the Northwestern Women's Lacrosse team wearing flip flops to the White House. Read More>>

A NUMBER TO REMEMBER- 25,000. That's the number of Iraqi civilian casualties estimated in a new dossier as reported on BCC News. Read More>>

Orange Alert

Some of you may have read my previous post about Svetlana, the Ukrainian intern who occupies the cubicle next to mine.

One of the most interesting things about Svetlana is her lack of phone etiquette. Today, my quiet workspace was interrupted by a rather loud conversation that she was having, speaking in Ukrainian. I can only assume that this conversation was 1. Not work related, and 2. Not local. But I'm going out on a limb with that. Moments later the conversation has elevated into full non-English yelling. It seems that someone is bearing the brunt of Svetlana's Eastern European temper. The amazing part of this is that there wasn't even an attempt on her part to conceal the conversation from the rest of the office. Perhaps she is not aware of the fact that American employers look down upon numerous personal calls, let alone full fledged fighting at upper-decibel levels.

What really bothers me about this, aside from the obvious fact of the disturbance of my tranquil environment, is that I can't understand the conversation so I don't have the pleasure of eaves-dropping on her tirade. I consider it rude to yell within earshot and not let others in on the drama.

Finally, after 30 minutes in which Svetlana whirled like a dervish between screaming and laughing, she hung up the phone with a loud huff, grabbed her cigarettes and headed outside for a much-needed break leaving me emotionally exhausted. My last thought was that perhaps Svetlana should ask her doctor if Paxil is right for her.

Hot Child in the City

Summertime in Washington can be oppressive enough. The city is built upon a swamp, and its obvious. The heat index has been over 100 consistently with no signs of letting up.

To add insult to injury, my air conditioning suddenly decided to take a vacation last Wednesday. A quick call to the the company that services it revealed that they couldn't schedule us in until Monday. Luckily, I had already planned to escape to the shore over the weekend.

On returning to the city yesterday, I was excited at the prospect of having chilly air returned to my living space. I waited all afternoon for a repairman who didn't show up. It seems, in talking with friends, that this is a common occurrence in the district. Apparently these companies aren't aware of the urgency involved or that fact that we have jobs that expect us to be present.

A call to the company revealed that the technician had been in a car accident. Now I realize that I have probably won some kind of bad-person-of-the-year award for not inquiring about the condition of the person, but I was suffering heat exhaustion, I believe. After insisting that I not be rescheduled, I was informed that someone would be out that evening.

When the repairman arrived, I was jubilant. The heat had taken its toll on my brain, I'm certain from the little dance that I did. He was pointed to the roof to inspect the unit. Thirty minutes later he returned. "Well, the bad news is, you need a new compressor", he told me. "It will be at least next week before it will be fixed." I was incredulous. I have always been under the impression that The Bad News is always followed by The Good News. However, these rules didn't seem to apply in this case. There was no good news.

And so it goes. I have resorted to all sorts of primitive tricks.... Leaving the refrigerator door open. Leaving the front door open to try to steal air from the building. The heat still doesn't abate. I sensing that the next week is going to be a long one....

I'd like to hear from readers on the lengths they have gone to keep cool.

Rested and Relaxed

For those of you who checked in over the weekend, I apologize for my absence. I was at the shore soaking up the sun (when it was present.), relaxing, and partaking in a drink or two.

My second trip to Rehoboth Beach in two years left me with this lesson. Those people LOVE rules. On Sunday, we were relaxing on the beach, trying to ignore the rumbles of thunder echoing from the west. We had been on the beach about an hour, when the lifeguard suddenly began waving everyone out of the water. Then, incredulously, began waving everyone off the beach. We really believed that this was a joke at first, but he was very serious. It was a mass exodus on the scale of War of the Worlds. I have lived in several beach communities and never experienced such a thing.

Thirty minutes later, as we sat in Grotto's Pizza eating our pepperoni and cheese pie and drinking a large beer and watching the light drizzle outside, we asked the bartender about the evacuation. Apparently the town's rule is to remove everyone from the beach when it storms. We were told that, had we stayed, we would have been ticketed. A lot of trouble to protect people if you ask me.

Today, I have returned to the concrete swamp to find a heat advisory in effect. You really have to love the District in the summertime. There's no place like it.

Actually Mentioned on DCist

Today, DCist features its own take on the Baltimore Crab Invasion. The article features a link to this blog, which can only be read, in my mind, as arrival.

The article poses the question of what plush animal life would represent DC. This blogger suggests the Marion Barry.

Get Crabs in Baltimore

This photo, taken in Dupont Circle today at lunch shows the lengths our neighbors to the north are taking to attract people to Baltimore. You have to wonder about the wisdom of trying to attract people in Dupont Circle with crabs, however.

Nothing Says Summer Like an Intern

In the nation's capital, one experience that occurs every year that is uniquely DC is the influx of summer interns. Almost everyone who is employed in the city has experienced this phenomenon. My office, particularly, was invaded by a gaggle of these young, often wide-eyed and well meaning creatures. Six to be exact. A rather large number, for an organization with a staff of 12.

The most 'interesting' happens to sit in the cubicle directly next to me. I'll call her Svetlana. Svetlana, is Ukrainian. And I mean that in the most stereotypical way. She is tall, blonde, with piercing blue eyes, skinny, wears tight booby tank tops and smokes like a chimney. When she speaks directly to you, there is definitely a feeling that you are an idiot. Somehow she seems to have flipped the roles of intern and overseer.

The first week that Svetlana was here, she showed up late everyday. Now bear in mind, she isn't even due in the office until 10:00. On her second day, she showed up at 11, looking all flustered and breathing heavily (Have another cigarette.) "What time is it?" She asked? "11:05", I answered. She looked like I had just said "frizzledee babwitz." "Wha-? No. Huh?" Shaking her head from side to side. "It can't be." "It is" I responded. "But, how?". "Don't know. Just sort of happened that way." came my response. "No, its not, its 10 o'clock", she demanded. You can see the pattern here. I insisted again that the time on my clock was real. "No, its...I don't understand. My electricity must have gone out last night. My clock said it was 9 o'clock." "Nope, its 11:07." She plopped into her seat, exasperated.

The next day she breezed in, again looking flustered at 10:45 and exclaimed to all how hard it is to get here from the Cathedral area, where she lives (No more than maybe 4 miles away.) Apparently its quite a trudge when you're in heels and such a confining shirt.

The next week, I heard her on the phone with an unknown caller, probably wanting information about our organization's services. "I can't take it anymore", Svetlana complained, "Every night I go out. Every night a different place we go. It is to much. I don't get any sleep. I just can't go out tonight... I can't.... Where are you going?" And the conversation continued. I should add that it must be doubly hard to trudge to Dupont circle from the Cathedral in heels, with a confining shirt and six double vodka's working their way out of your system.

I must say that nothing breaks the monotony of a Washington summer, like a good intern saga. And Svetlana fits the bill perfectly.

Queer Universe

According to this article from BBC news, an Oxford University Scientist Professor has finally proclaimed that the universe is 'Too Queer to Understand', confirming something that most of us have suspected for a long time.

Professor Richard Dawkins is quoted as stating this theory on the queering of the universe as we know it:

"Successive generations have come to terms with the increasing queerness of the Universe."

Learn more about the big queer universe.

Would You Give Birth to Your Sister?

With the increasing frequency of freezing embryos comes so many new and odd questions. According to Rand, 400,000 embryos have been frozen since the 1970's, 4.5% of which have no parents now due to circumstances such as divorce, death of the parents, etc. This poses several interesting questions in my mind: Could you feasibly give birth to your sibling as an implanted embryo years after the death of your parent? Could one parent give birth to twins at different times? The answers to these questions seem to be yes.

According to this story from NBC's Today Show, a family has given birth to a baby girl who was actually conceived 13 years ago. The truly amazing aspect of this story is that her triplet siblings are 13 years her senior.

There has been some question as to the length of time that embryos can be frozen. But Lana, the child in this story, is proof that embryos can last much longer than previously thought.


What are my readers' thoughts on this? What should happen to embryos once the parents are gone? Should they be transferred as part of an estate? What if no surviving relative can be found? Should they be destroyed or donated? Would you give birth to your sibling?

Go to Hell

I must admit that, for someone who 'doesn't watch much tv' and has declared the death of reality tv imminent, I have become quite hooked on the Fox show, Hell's Kitchen.

For those of you who haven't seen it, the premise, as described on the official web site is this:

"Hell's Kitchen is a culinary boot camp that features a group of wannabe Cordon Bleu Cooks and aspiring restauranteurs running a top-class restaurant, overseen by world-renowned but terrifying Head Chef Gordon Ramsay. Ramsay will serve helpings of terror, tears, tantrums and triumphs in this dramatic unscripted series.

Here are some of my observations about last night's final five contenders:

Michael: Michael is low-key and good. He is fairly professional and doesn't complain a lot. However, I'm not sure I trust him.

Elsie: Elsie, the mother of 6, is good. She's likeable. Part of me likes to pull for the underdog, but honestly, I'm sure she won't make it. However, for someone who has never done a flambe before, she really shined last night as she popped around the dining room starting fires.

Jimmy: Jimmyy was eliminated last night. The poor guy put up with a lot from Ramsay including being called and Pig and a Fat Fuck and being told to lose weight. However, in last night's episode, he really did suck. The best part was when he threw the fully cooked lobster away and then spent 10 minutes looking for it.

Ralph: Ralph is going to win, in my opinion, and probably should. He is professional. He's great. He's creative. So he waved back at a hot girl in the dining room. He was just being friendly! I think he was right in nominating Jessica to be eliminated even though she didn't nominate him in the previous episode. Which leads me to...

Jessica: She's cute, but damn she's whiney. When Ramsay pointed out to her that there was a hair in the food she responded, "It's not my hair chef." Not the point. Stop arguing and move on. She can't NOT respond to criticism. It will be interesting to see how she interacts with Ralph now that he nominated her for elimination, but she wasn't.

Tune in next week........

Top Place to Live in the U.S.-Moorestown,NJ??

CNN/Money has compiled its compendium of lists regarding U.S. Cities. According to the experts, Moorestown, NJ tops the Best Places to Live List, with Vienna, VA coming in at number 4. The report also contains other top 10 rankings. My observations, based upon extensive reading of the lists:

All of the top 10 coldest places are in Minnesota!
Of the Highest Income areas, 3 are in Suburban DC.
The 10 priciest cities to buy a home were ALL in California, except one in Connecticut.
Top 10 for education spending: DC was 3rd, and all but one (New York City) was in the DC metro area
10 Most polluted: Bottom Line- stay AWAY from OHIO!

Read for yourself

Is that a rabbit in your....?

Yesterday afternoon I ventured to Eastern Market on Capitol Hill. I decided to make a pot of rabbit gumbo this week and the only butchers that I know of in DC (enlighten me if I'm incorrect.) are at Eastern Market.

Within a few minutes, I found the perfect rabbit, purchased it, half frozen and left. Now, I hadn't planned well, I realized as I was walking out into the hot summer day. I was headed to Results the Gym on Capitol Hill directly from the market and it probably would have been a bad choice to leave the food in the car, because when I returned the rabbit would already have been roasted.

As I drove to the gym I made a quick list of my options. I didn't want to sacrifice my rabbit or my workout. However, as I got out of the car, I made a quick decision. I grabbed the rabbit and shoved it into my gym bag (along with a pound of bacon.)

It occurred to me as I was swiping my card and saying hello to the front desk woman that I was walking into the gym with a dead rabbit in my bag. The idea seemed odd, and I'm fairly certain of the reactions I would have gotten from her if she only knew.

Later, as I was working out, I looked around me at the other gym members and thought about the fact that they didn't realize that there was a dead rabbit in my locker. Even now, I am thankful that it didn't fall out of my bag as I was changing. My gym has a strict policy against mobile phone use in the lockerroom, so I can only imagine that a dead rabbit on the floor is against some rule.

I know that many of you will feel sorry for the rabbit (maybe even send me threatening emails) and no doubt think that I have learned some valuable lesson from this. And I have. I have learned that I need to plan better when I am visiting the butcher shop before the gym. Or at the very least, bring a cooler. Now that's valuable.

The Bike Lane is for Two Wheeled-Vehicles

I'm always amazed to discover how many drivers from Maryland and Virginia don't understand the meaning of separate lane on the street with the symbol of the bicycle on it. Perhaps they are confused, thinking they are in the parking lot of Target or Walmart

Today I witnessed a man biking on R Street. He attempted to get by a SuperShuttle van sitting squarely across the bike lane. When he stopped and brought it to the attention of the driver that "This is a BIKE LANE", the driver just grinned and shook his head.

The biggest culprits of this are definitely our friends from suburbia. The next time you are riding your bike in the bike lane and you are cut off by the Escalade driven by the woman drinking a latte and talking on the cell phone, take a look at the license plate. Guaranteed it will be Maryland or Virginia (likely Maryland, they actually score points for killing people, I think.)

However, one note. Two-wheeled vehicles do NOT include baby strollers! I actually had to swerve out into New Hampshire Avenue recently to avoid a man that was on a leisurely stroll in the bike lane with one of those huge double strollers (with one empty seat of course, the 6 year old was obviously in school at the time.)

So pass the word on to your suburban friends or tell the driver on the street loudly the next time you see him blocking the lane: The Bike Lane is for Two Wheeled-Vehicles only!

No More Yellow Mustard

Honestly, why is it that some eating establishments don't understand the benefits of spicy brown or Dijon mustard? Today I decided to give DC Hot a second try. My first foray into the local precursor to Potbelly Sandwiches was quite enjoyable so I figured, Why not? (Sidenote: I must admit that while I am adverse to chain establishments, I really have a weakness for the toasty goodness that Potbelly turns out. And they're always so friendly...Not the norm in DC)

The San Francisco turkey sandwich I ordered was not bad. But as I watched the toppings being added, I cringed when I saw the sandwich maker squirt a heavy glob of yellow mustard onto the sandwich. At this point, I felt it too late to intervene. I ate the sandwich and tried to enjoy it, but honestly the yellow mustard overwhelmed all of the other flavors.

Even now, hours later, I can smell it on my hands. I, personally, believe there is no place for yellow mustard besides, possibly, on a hot dog. But even then, brown mustard is just so much more enjoyable and let's face it, doesn't cost more.

So a note to eating establishments: No More Yellow Mustard!

(If you don't know the difference between Yellow and Dijon Mustard, read here.)

Terror in London

This morning we awoke to see images of carnage in London. According to the BBC Several bombs planted on public transportation were detonated almost simultaneously in an event eerily similiar to the March 11 attacks in Madrid. My thoughts are with those who this tragedy has affected.

I have conflicting feelings about terror and the world's capacity for combatting it. I understand the need not to waver, and not to negotiate, but it seems to me that the pieces need to be put into place to encourage conflict in a non-violent way. Simply killing terrorists, only seems to create more. I think that it's really more about looking at the environments that breed this mentality. In areas such as Africa, we have the ability right now to foster an environment of hope, rather than despair. The more areas that people live outside of poverty with access to education, the less need there is for people to take their grievances to this level.

In short, the key is to make terrorism a less attractive option...kind of like Paris Hilton.

Great food, cheap wine

DB and I set out for dinner tonight in Adams Morgan with 3 requirements: Good food, rather healthy and inexpensive. The Diner fit the bill tonight. It seems they now have a wine special on Wednesday nights that is worth checking out. Bottles of wine are half price every Wednesday night.

I had the dinner special. Pulled barbecued chicken on a roll with slaw. I substituted sauteed spinach for the fries. The Diner has some of the best sauteed spinach in town.

We chose a bottle of Canyon Road Sauvignon Blanc. What was really great about this is the fact that we were at the winery in May. It was one of our favorite stops on our trip through the Alexander Valley. All of their wines are 20$ per bottle. With the special tonight, the bottle cost 10$. My total before tip was under 14$. A great price for good food and a bottle of wine.

Check out the Diner on Wednesday night and take advantage of this great deal.

Taking back the Streets

It seems that passersby on 15th St. decided enough was enough last night. According to this story from the Post, five men subdued and held an assailant who had stabbed a woman at 15th and Corcoran St. The man was held until police arrived.

Its great to know, for someone who walks often in the evening and lives not far from the scene, that citizens are watching out for each other. One has to wonder where the police are in instances like these. You can be assured, that if the woman had been parking illegally, they would have been on the scene in 30 seconds to issue a ticket.

How is it that New York City is now safer than the Capital City? Perhaps we should take a clue from that city in handling crime.

Caring is Sexy -or - All the news that's fit to wear

I've watched with increasing frustration as the 'mainstream' media ignores very important headlines. We see more news about Paris Hilton and the Michael Jackson trial, than about what is happening to our government and the soul of our country.

My idea is to turn people into walking billboards for the news. What better way to get the headlines out into public than to have the average person pass people wearing them.

Hence, citizenware was born. A fledgling collection is now growing into a bigger idea. I've developed a line of clothing that will look great and still educate, because caring is sexy.

Example:
Tshirt front: Defiant Cheney: Guantanamo Here to Stay
Back: Halliburton to Build New $30 mln Guantanamo Jail

Check it out:
http://www.cafepress.com/citizenware

Blog Birth

Greetings. Today I join the blogging masses. I'm not sure what form this blog will take. Probably just an outlet for my thoughts, opinions, musings, and whatever else creeps out of my head. Perhaps a glimpse into current events.

Stay tuned. Whatever my baby becomes, its sure to be interesting.